This article is written by David Haworth, our tutor in Malta & Gozo and author of many of our online personal development courses. You can find out more about the courses he teaches here, and about his online personal development courses here.
Stress & anxiety seem to be part of everyday life, don’t they? And that’s for every good reason. However much we may dislike the feelings of stress and anxiety, they both have a vital role to play; a vital role that keeps us functioning day-to-day.
Imagine, with no stress, no anxiety, what would make you get out of bed in the morning? Without the need to earn money, wash clothes, look after loved ones, walk the dog…… would you even get out of bed without a little stress? Perhaps you would. Perhaps not!
An anxious mind is a strong, powerful mind, as anyone who has tried to rationalise themselves out of anxiety will tell you. An anxious mind can outrun, outpower and outwit rationality and logic any day of the week. What if you could harness the strength and power of that fiercely protective mind and use it to work for you instead of against you?
Anxiety exists on a spectrum and we all experience it at some level. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. Anxiety is a very normal response from a strong, healthy brain that thinks there might be trouble around the corner, and instantly responds by making us stronger, faster, more powerful, more alert versions of ourselves.
Like any good thing though, too much is too much. When the brain is oversensitive to threats, it puts us on high alert even when there is no need to be. This is when anxiety becomes intrusive and hard to live with. It turns from the gentle security guard who shows up when needed, to the gate crasher who spoils the party and cozies up beside you so close it’s hard to breathe, think and be.
Why is anxiety so powerful?
Anxiety is there to keep us safe. It is a call to action to fight or flee so we can move through danger. It’s there to keep us out of trouble so the signals it sends have to be strong. The problem is that those signals aren’t always accurate. Anxiety is instinctive and automatic. It’s been practising its moves for thousands of years. That’s the thing about evolution – sometimes it works for us, sometimes it makes us vulnerable to anxiety.
Anxiety was never meant to get in our way, but rather, to get us out of the way of danger. The part of the brain that drives anxiety thinks it’s doing the right thing. The more we fight it, the harder it will work to convince us that there’s danger and that we need to act.
If fighting an anxious mind doesn’t work, what can we do?
Well, as strong as a mind can be in its experience of anxiety, it can be equally strong in calming it. Anxiety might still show up, but rather than appearing as the wolf at the door and sending your fiercely protective brain into a panic, it can be greeted more in the way of, ‘Oh hey there – I know you. Thanks for the message.’
We know that over time, mindfulness works to build and strengthen a brain against anxiety, but there are aspects of mindfulness that can be used in the midst of anxiety to find calm. With practice, they can be called on at will to turn down the volume on anxious thoughts and feelings, and any other symptoms that anxiety tends to keep company with.
Changing mindset involves small, repeated steps. Each step builds on the one before it, and this takes time. That’s okay though – there’s no hurry. Remember, your mind has been doing what it’s doing for a while and it will take a while to unlearn its habits.
Those habits have had a good reason for being there. Anxious thoughts and anxious feelings keep us alive. They put us on standby to deal with anything that gets in the way.
Along with the meditation which follows, here are a few strategies you can try. Choose one at a time and do it for a short while before moving on to try another. Then keep the ones that work for you.
Be present. Be where you are, not where your anxiety wants to take you.
Anxiety works by using a solid collection of what-ifs and maybes to haul even the strongest, bravest mind from a present that feels manageable and calm, to a future that feels uncertain and threatening. Experiment with staying fully present in the moment. Anchor yourself by opening up your senses. What do you see, feel, hear, taste, and know for sure? Stay with what is actually happening, rather than what might happen. If this feels uncomfortable, put a time limit on it, let’s say, two minutes to start with. Spend this time fully experiencing the world as it is around you now. Is there anything to be anxious about in the present moment? Probably not; the anxiety is out there in the future, which may or may not happen the way you imagine. Right now, there is nothing to be anxious about.
Every time you do this, you will be strengthening your ability to pull back from the anxious thoughts that steal you away from the safety and security of where you are, right at this moment. Try to get into a regular practice each day, for however long you can – two minutes, five minutes, ten minutes – it doesn’t matter. There’s no right amount, but the longer the better. The main thing is to keep doing it. The brain strengthens and rewires with experience, and this is an experience that is so strengthening and healthy, your brain will love you for it.
You could, if you choose, use a simple mantra to help you, for example, “Right now, I’m here and I’m safe. I see the sky. I feel the breeze against my skin. I feel my feet against the floor.”
Be patient. Don’t be in a hurry to change your thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts and feelings will come, they will linger a while, and then they will go. No thought or feeling stays forever. Be patient and know that whatever you are feeling, or whatever you are thinking, it will pass.
Experiment with being fully present, without needing to push away any thoughts or feelings. There is no anxious feeling and no anxious thought that is stronger than you. However big they feel, you will always be stronger and more resilient. Be patient. Be open. Be curious. See what wisdom lies at the end of your anxious thoughts and feelings if you stay with them, rather than fight them. Let them stay for long enough to realise that you have no need for them today.
When you have an anxious thought, perhaps think, “That’s okay, thanks for letting me know – you’ll leave when you’re ready.”
Be an observer. Watch your thoughts and feelings without engaging with them.
Anxiety has a way of drawing you in and making you engage with every anxious thought that comes in thinking distance of you. It’s exhausting! Experiment with standing back and watching your thoughts as an observer, knowing that when they are ready, they will pass. Sometimes we need to engage with thoughts and feelings, and sometimes we need to stand back and wait for them to move on. Try imagining your thoughts and feelings as a bubble or a cloud, and then watch them quietly float on by.
Experiment with letting them be, without needing to change them, understand them, or talk yourself out of them. Imagine them hovering in the air around you, without becoming a part of you. Just let them be, without holding on too tightly. When they are ready to go, let them go. Think of it like this – rather than standing in the middle of a thunderstorm, trying to change the direction of the wind, imagine yourself watching that storm through a window, knowing that it will pass.
Trust your anxiety. Know that it won’t hurt you.
There are a lot of reasons anxiety feels so awful. Two of the big ones are because it comes with a bunch of ‘unknowns’, and because the physical feelings don’t make sense. A curious, strong, thoughtful mind will try to put these feelings and thoughts into context, because the idea that they are free-floating and not attached to anything feels even worse. You might find yourself wondering if your physical symptoms are a sign of something more serious. You might wonder if that ‘bad feeling’ means something bad is actually going to happen. You might worry about the worry (this is common with anxiety) – what’s driving it, and how do you stop it? How do you reassure yourself that your anxiety isn’t a sign of something bigger. This is hard to do but the more you practice it, the stronger you will be at calming your anxious thoughts and not believing the messages they contain. Anxiety is there as a warning, not a prediction. Feel the security and safety of what that means for you.
You could say to yourself, “My heart feels as though it is pounding through my chest. It’s just anxiety, it’s ok. It’s not a symptom of something bigger. I’m safe. It will pass.”
Trust yourself. You are strong. You are resourceful. You will cope. You always have.
Trust that whatever happens, you can deal with it – because you can, you absolutely can. This might not feel real for you at first, and that’s okay. Go with it and see what the experience has to give you. This is a learning process and it will take time. Underlying all worry, anxiety and stress is fear that we won’t be able to cope. Fear of failure, for example, isn’t fear of the failure itself but fear that you won’t cope with the failure. Ditto for rejection, making a wrong decision – anything. You will cope. You’ve proven it to yourself over and over throughout your life, and you always will. See what happens when you move towards trusting that. If it doesn’t feel real, pretend until it does. From the outside, it will look the same anyway.
You could say to yourself, “Whatever happens, I will cope. I always have. I always will. I am stronger than this.”
Meet your anxiety where it is, without needing you or it to be different.
It’s paradoxical, but sometimes, the more we try to change something the more energy we give it, and the more it stays the same. (Keep telling yourself not to think of pink gorillas. Try really hard not to think of them. Keep telling yourself to stop thinking of pink gorillas. See how that works? Do you see one?) Anxious thoughts take up a lot of precious headspace. They draw on our feelings, focus, thoughts, energy and imagination. The more we try to make sense of them and control them, the more they feed into anxiety. Instead, experiment with being with your anxiety as it is, without needing to change it. Acceptance doesn’t make a feeling stronger or more enduring. It stops giving it energy – it stops feeding it.
What you focus on is what becomes powerful. The more you focus on something, the more it flourishes and expands. Try to be with your anxiety without pushing against it. Don’t force it to go or to be different than it is. This will let you understand your anxiety more, which will bring it out of the dark and into a space in which you can deal with it.
This isn’t easy, but it’s powerful. Try it in little bits and work up from there. Start with letting your feelings be as they are for two minutes, or however long feels okay for you. Sit with them, without needing them to be different. Then if you want to, after that you can give them your attention and try to turn them into something else. When you can, let them be as they are again. See how this feels, then when you’re ready, work up to longer.
You could say to yourself, “I am having a worried thought. My hands are clammy. My mouth is dry. This is anxiety. And that’s okay.”
Clear your filter.
Messages and experiences from the past have a way of changing the filter through which we look at the rest of the world. This is the way it works for all of us – anxiety or no anxiety.
Try to approach experiences and moments as though you are experiencing them for the first time. Even if you have been in many similar situations before, none of them will be exactly like this one. Notice the differences between what is and what has been. With every experience, you are changed somehow – wiser, braver, stronger, more capable, sometimes more anxious, more worried, more fearful. Be open to the new possibilities that can come from this new experience, because that’s what it is – a new experience.
For example, if you have had a painful breakup, there might be a tendency to hold back from loving wholeheartedly again. New people and new relationships might feel risky. This is completely understandable, and staying away is a move that will keep you safe, but it will close down the possibilities and new opportunities that are waiting for you. Growth happens when we open ourselves up to ‘what is’, rather than letting new experiences be coloured by ‘what has been’.
You could say to yourself, “This is a brand new experience. I’m open to discovering what will happen for me here.”
Or when you meet new people, and want to resist the temptation to judge based on your past experiences, you could say to yourself, “These people are different. I’m different. This experience is different.”
Surrender. Let go of the need for certainty, even if it’s just for a moment.
The future is always uncertain, so anxiety has a pretty easy time causing a stir. Not everything will go to plan and that’s okay, but the more we try to control things, the more we tend to realise how little control we have. This will feel uncomfortable at first, so start with surrendering to the uncertainty for a small amount of time. Experiment with letting go of needing to control the moment, the future, the past, or the people around you. The more you are able to lean into your uncertainty and tolerate it, the less power it will have over you.
You could say to yourself, “I don’t know what will happen if this doesn’t go the way I had planned. And that’s okay.”
Americal novelist Anne Lamott once said, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” This 20-minute guided hypnotic meditation will help you to unplug and deal with stress & anxiety in your life. So, put away all your distractions, turn off all your notifications, and listen to it as many times as you need to. What do you notice when you do?
