This article is written by David Haworth, our tutor in Malta & Gozo and author of many of our online personal development courses. You can find out more about the courses he teaches here, and about his online personal development courses here.
Very few of us feel comfortable being our authentic selves because we don’t see ourselves as remarkable.
We don’t realise that our authenticity is the one thing (more than anything) that makes us unique.
You can visit any city in the world and it won’t take long before you realise what makes that place stand out. Maybe it’s the food, the culture, some historic landmark, or something else, but there is always something that captures our senses and leaves an impression.
I find it surprising that the places we visit so naturally leave an impression on us because the people we interact with on a daily basis usually don’t, do they?
Think of all the people in your life; your work colleagues, your acquaintances, your relatives, and ask yourself, how many of them have truly left an impression on you? For most of us, the answer is, very few.
So, what is it about the world’s cities that makes them stand out and about the people we interact with that makes them blend in?
Well, cities make no effort to be like anywhere else; each one embodies its own identity and uniqueness. While people, on the other hand, typically do not do this. People usually conform to those around them. And there is pressure to conform, isn’t there?
Most of us like the idea of being true to ourselves but, in the moment, almost like an unintentional reflex, we simply ‘go along to get along’ and conform to what everybody else is doing.
In the 1950s, Psychologist Solomon Asch performed a series of experiments that proved people have an innate tendency to conform to social pressure. He found that people conform because they do not want to be viewed as ‘peculiar’ or generally believe that others are more likely to be ‘correct.’
Surprisingly, this is also the one thing (more than anything) that makes us unnoticeable. When we conform to the crowd it makes us just like everyone else. It leaves nothing noteworthy about us.
This is a tortured situation because our identity shifts from being our authentic self to being what everyone else wants us to be.
If you truly want to be remarkable you must first learn how to be yourself; this means living authentically with a deep sense of who you are and what you have to offer.
There are three areas to cultivate authenticity in your own life, starting today: knowing your value, forming authentic relationships, and making authentic decisions. Developing each of these areas will help you to get to know who you are and what you have to offer.
Knowing your value
So, here is the unavoidable and vital question – do you believe you are enough?
It is impossible to know your value unless you believe that you are valuable.
To leave an impression on the people we meet, we must first leave an impression on ourself.
This begins with our inner thoughts. Think of your self-talk as the ‘seeds’ you plant. What you say to yourself, about yourself, becomes who you are.
So what are the words your internal dialogue is using today, about you?
When a farmer plants a particular type of seed in the ground they expect it to produce a plant that comes from that seed. The same principle is true of our thoughts. When we fill our mind with seeds of comparison and negativity, we produce feelings of inadequacy. Likewise, when we fill our mind with seeds of positivity, we cultivate feelings of worth and value.
This is a timeless truth that will always produce the same results. Whatever we plant in our minds, we will reap in our thoughts.
Every day, try to plant the following seeds into your life and transform your confidence, starting today:
Begin each day with gratitude: No matter what is going on in your life, find something to be grateful for. There is always something, however small it may seem. Begin each day by writing down (or thinking about) a few things that you find admirable about yourself.
The more you appreciate yourself, the more others will appreciate you.
Guard your mind: We are bombarded with so much information each day. It is overwhelming! Whether you are aware of it or not, this information affects your thoughts and perspectives about yourself. We have a tendency to be passive about this, accepting everything that comes at us. Instead, approach each day by imagining you have a ‘mental health firewall’ which can accept or reject information. Be intentional about what occupies your precious mental space.
Affirm your potential: Whenever you approach a new situation or challenge, don’t just see it through the lens of your current capabilities, see it through your potential. When we affirm our ability to grow and become better, we shrug off public opinion and self-doubt, which allows us to become our best self. Every day, affirm to yourself not only what you are, but also what you can be.
Form authentic relationships
There are generally two types of people in your life: those who make deposits, and those who make withdrawals.
To form authentic relationships we must distinguish between these two types of people. This allows us to know what to expect from each person in our life and engage with them wholeheartedly.
Deposits makers: These are our core tribe. They are those rare and treasured people who pour into us and add value to our lives. We can be vulnerable with them (and they with us) because our relationships are built on mutual trust. They genuinely care about us and show it by engaging with us on things that matter to us. These are the people who realise our potential and encourage us to walk in it.
Withdrawal seekers: These are the people in our life who make withdrawals. They are those negative people who constantly discourage us. They tell us to give up on our dreams simply because they gave up on theirs. They have no interest in engaging with us on our accomplishments and milestones, but rather prefer to belittle them or ignore them altogether.
The ironic part is thar the people who are usually bold enough to act this way toward us are typically those closest to us. They are our relatives, our acquaintances, even our so-called ‘friends.’
It’s often said that the number one reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family, and neighbours, and value those opinions and feelings above their own. Do you do that?
To form authentic relationships we must seek out the deposit makers in our life. When our core tribe is filled with these people we will thrive. Each day we will realise more of our potential and increasingly walk in it.
Make authentic decisions
Decisions are the way you navigate life; each one determines your course. To make decisions that are authentic to your true self, you must first have a firm grasp of who your true self is.
Think about your values. Our values are the ‘guiding stars’ of our decisions. They are those constant markers that remind us of who we are and where we are headed.
The trouble comes when we make decisions that are not based on our values but based on public opinion, our circumstances, or what everyone else does. When we do this, we are not being true to who we are, but merely reacting to the world around us.
To make authentic decisions we must let our values shape our actions, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our character. When our character is consistent with our values, making authentic decisions becomes second nature.
Values: Your values are what is important to you regardless of your circumstances.
Actions: Your actions are what you consciously do.
Habits: Your habits are your subconscious behaviors — what you do without even thinking about it.
Character: Your character is your true self.
Putting this into practice
After aligning these three areas of your life with your authentic self, now it’s time to show your true self to the world. When you do this others will be attracted to you because deep down they want to be authentic too.
Have you ever been in that situation at a party where a certain song comes on and everyone gets up to dance? Everyone knows the actions, and seems bold and fearless. Everyone except you?
You know, at that karaoke bar. Everyone else seems keen and comfortable to step up and sing. Some are good, some are great, and some are cringingly awful! Well, ok, most are cringingly awful aren’t they? But they get up there and hammer out the number anyway.
Do you watch, passively. Do you yearn to join in. Do you secretly know that if…. if…. if you did get up there, you’d smash it?
What’s the difference between you, and the singers on the stage? Well, confidence of course. Whether alcohol has fanned the flame or not, they ‘appear’ to be more confident, throwing caution to the wind and going for it.
When we are confident we step in, when we are not we play it safe.
When you find yourself ‘blending in’ with the crowd in a particular situation and you know deep down that you are not being authentic, ask yourself the question:
Why am I not confident enough to be myself?
This will make you aware of when you are conforming with the crowd and empower you to take small steps to move out of your comfort zone. Over time, just like in the seed analogy, those small steps will grow into giant leaps.
Then you will not only know who you are, but you will also be who you are. Since there are so many people ‘following the herd’ out there, when you decide to follow your own path you will look, feel, and be different from everyone else. That is why this is the one thing (more than anything) that will make you remarkable in every way.
So, today, ask yourself these four important questions:
What is unique about you?
What makes you stand out head and shoulders above those around you?
What would you like people to notice about you?
What can you do about it?
This 20-minute guided meditation will help you to begin to reconnect with your authentic self. Listen to it as many times as you need to. What do you notice when you do?
